VoidJun 06, 2021
By Derek Chang
“You gotta be kidding me! How?” I’m struggling to sit in the chair, scratching the carpet, and eventually slamming my head on the table, questioning myself. I was riding my bicycle with my dad, that I can describe as “we rid along the river till the night and eventually we need to take bus just to go home”, also I have experience “a tumors that is a good hider and only the most experience doctor can find it out”, so many option, so many story, but how writing a personal narrative become a guard that jail me in front the computer for 15 min?
While my heart bumped harshly, I said , “Ok Derek, you are skilled at writing and experience so many things , HOW? How can this trap me? How can this trap- a sudden thought come with a soft voice saying “you need to control your temper, you are rushing, think wisely”, after telling the thought to shut up, I hold my ear to avoid suggestions. After “ the mountain”, “the turtles you kill ”, “how to destroy my cousin” , Another voice declares with a strong account “Those memories are too short and so boring that they are unable to make an super amazing impressive top-sell-NewYorkTime story", suddenly there is no more doubt. I release my hand and crash it on the keyboard, then type with the speed of light in “top 10 things you can write about yourself”. “Your favorite color and why you like it”, which I think “ hey it not too bad, we like blue”, that came with a swarm of agreement of “color is a terrible topic” and I look next one “your most favorite celebrity and why”, I think of Geroge Wasthon, First Great American president, which at the same time I compare a 16 teenage boy to the founder of the country and found no related, after a few other of “pet” “food” “funny”, I close my eyes and and rise my arm to the air, and jump on my bed, rolling with silent scream.
I dragged my face up and slammed it deep down, falling into view of darkness. Before I drowned myself with a pillow, the dark tunnel turned into a light fog that shows my life is filled with excitement and enjoyment, but what do I learn? What do I learn from these joys, sadness, and anger? The Florida seashore has a terrible smell of rotten seaweed? We can use matrices to find xyz? Or a random education video on Youtube taught me that our universe will eventually die after the last black hole explodes? I feel my brain alarming “ 16 years wasted, only 84 year left”, it echoes in my brain, bouncing between the creases of my brain, creating a pain that did not exist. I try to move my body to react with the alarm, but not an inch of my muscle decides to cooperate.
I feel like I am in the middle of the sea, not fearing what I never witnessed, but the thing I saw before. What if there is detail that I never see, what if I miss the chance to succeed. I know there is still a lot of time for me, but I feel rushed, it isn’t a race with death, but I don’t want to waste all my life and find out I never learn anything. I fear that I can’t tell my kids and grandkids that I am a happy person who enjoys his life with friends and family, and tastes all delicious food that humans can experience. I dive deep into the void of no light.
I lift my head, the window facing outside lights up the room and the wind shakes the tree so hard that their branches seem like they are going snap in any second. I look into the deep void again, but upward, like the seashore of Florida, blendless, never going to the end and only friends with some pieces of white. I like blue, it is endless, you can go in any direction without hitting the wall, it’s quiet, only the sound of speed and slash, no one is going to bother you. I don’t know if I am still floating or diving, but I do know one thing I can do at this very moment: I want to eat some ice cream. My muscles respond with movement.
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